The Best Storyline in GMRRFFA

Congratulations! As an individual who took the Apology Tour seriously, you’ve found your way to what could easily be described as the GMRRFFA equivalent to an onlyfans page. Before I spend 1,500 words (updated: 1,200 words. Sorry.) making fun of Fredo (who coincidentally never read my stuff nor signed up for the tour), let’s clear the air and set some ground rules…

· First, I’ve missed writing fantasy football content; I really have. That said, a pandemic, three (!!!) kids, a mortgage and, apparently, a job kept me away with good reason. Nonetheless, I felt scorned by most GMRRFFA owners, many of whom crowed for material before dismissing the content (or flatly ignoring it).

· That said, I really missed writing. Maybe not specific to GMRRFFA content (the number of union memos dropped too) but the creative content I like to pen is missing.

· Moving forward, I’m using this medium page, mostly because its free. I more than likely won’t make cute GIFs and videos. I’ll leave that to others like Smeet who claim they’re busy before pumping out original material or pulling more stuff from three years ago in the boy chat archive.

· Finally, the material provided here is exclusively for those who’ve signed on to the Apology Tour. No one else. No Fredo. No Morabitos. Not even my soon-to-be live-in nanny Coop. At least, not until they sign the Apology Tour. (Sidenote: If/when you share with others, you’ll be excluded from this as well).

Ok, I feel better now. I really do. That’s 250 words and I could probably wrap up this column, and at least Mark Hutchinson (remember all my cute fucking nicknames?) would appreciate it.

I won’t though. I am very excited for the 2021 season — like “I’ve been waiting for 15 months” excited after I pulled a Smeet and tanked last year (well, except I collected assets for this season. Let’s call it the “Half-Smeet Tank Job”). Yes, I’ve found a way to analyze every single player drafted in league history. Yes, I have price points. Yes, I’m coming to murder everyone including the Architect and his pug, the Assistant. Watch the fuck out…

But in that research, it became clear holy cow we need to revisit 2019. Not only because of the epic 211.8 game, which will never be replicated solely because the amount of talent on both sides and the fact that there’s only three or four teams willing to get there. That season was also the Architect’s very best team in this three-year span as co-champion. It was impressive. (Sidenote: I’m not linking shit — if you want to see it, go find it)

That said, and while I love to dwell on that unfortunate minus-four yard reception by Michael Thomas, there’s so much more fun to be had…

At the onset of the season, eerily similar to 2021, there were two heavyweight draft stacks — Smeet (who tanked after one week the previous season) and Fredo. As you’ll recall, neither ultimately made the playoffs in 2019 as both squads were trash (GMRRFFA loves consistency). Smeet’s unremarkable season crested with drafting OBJ for $121, the second highest cost for a drafted wide receiver behind only Julio Jones at $136, whom FIL acquired with Todd Gurley from myself for Saquon Barkley. Pete finished that year with a playoff record of 0–0.

Meanwhile, sweet Fredo Maisel — the same jabroni whose beaten the mathematical odds and failed to make the playoffs every year in league existence — went ham ahead of the 2019 season. He started out with a whopping $498 draft dollars (23 more than he has right now thanks in large part to his LB6 victory!), and failed in dramatic fashion. Fredo spent an astronomical $244 combined on Le’Veon Bell (recently signed by the Jets despite then-head coach Adam Gase not wanting him) and David Johnson along with $11 lock of the season Mike Williams.

At the time, here’s what I noted about Fredo’s Bell dilemma:

“This is the $102 question for Fredo Maisel,..I’m guessing it’s almost impossible to say at this point though; while Bell is an incredible talent, remember when he sat out 2018 and James Connor dropped a top 6 RB season… The jury really is still out on Bell; is he the beneficiary of a good offensive system in Pittsburgh, or will he improve the Jets’ offense in 2019 with his extraordinary talent? For Fredo, with his bloated 2019 budget and a history of avoiding the post-season like an anti-vaxer avoiding a routine visit to the pediatrician, Bell’s season is literally make-or-break.“

Meanwhile, after 300 words encouraging Fredo to trade for Johnson, this is how I summed up the move:

“David Johnson and Fredo Maisel are literally made for each other this year.”

To be very clear, I wasn’t wrong about either of those takes… Bell finished a dismal RB16 in 2019 (which actually isn’t nearly as bad as I remembered) while Johnson was the RB37. Combined these two contributed 25 points per week, or approximately four points less than number one running back Christian McCaffrey that season. Meanwhile, Williams was the 41st wide receiver, just in case you wondered.

Adding salt to the wound, to acquire Johnson, Fredo was ‘fleeced’ by Tito Galen, his sworn enemy, for $60 FAAB (my, have times changed). Needless to say, despite being a top scoring team in the league, Fredo’s season went off the cliff, as he finished with just five wins (also, 0–0 in the playoffs).

Fast forward to today, Fredo is once again a big spender, but he’s not the only one. The Commish remains north of $540 while Garcia continues to collect LB6 royalties like he’s Joseph Marcel and Coop inexplicably is on the top side of $300. Most everyone else is below the $300 threshold and angling for cheap top-tier keepers.

Since I’ve been scouring the trade market like the Assistant at an all you can eat buffet, I know what’s out there and the days of cheap keepers being traded aren’t there any more… let’s recap:

· Garcia enjoys Terry McLaurin and David Montgomery for $77 total;

· Markezy has Calvin Ridley and Antonio Gibson for $114;

· Mark Hutchinson has Justin Jefferson and Phillip Rivers for $26;

· The Architect and his Assistant have Dalvin Cook and Jerry Jeudy for $137;

· Smeet has AJ Brown and Keenan Allen for $81 (with Chase Claypool wildly available);

· Stabs has a few running backs (as part of committees on their squads) for $60; and

· The Unicorn has CeeDee Lamb, Darren Waller, and DK Metcalf for $81.

These are all legit players at good to decent price points — I’m not including Tito Galen or Toby’s squads because why not plus the Morabitos and Coop didn’t sign the Apology Tour (fun side experiment: review FIL and Carlos’ squads and give me three quality keepers combined — I’ll wait).

That said, Fredo, who’s unofficially been tanking since 2016 and, officially since mid-October, has one credible keeper in Tee Higgins and a draft strategy of having as much cash as possible come August. Considering most of the current audience is credible owners, let’s enjoy the fact that we know this doesn’t end well for Fredo. Quality teams are already lining up their three keepers with ample cash to spend during the draft. Recognizing his strategy, the 498 dollar man clearly still has post-2019 PTSD, weary of an potential overspend. I have mountains of data advising against this strategy, but I’m just looking forward to what happens when we draft.

Some lingering questions I’ll be pondering as we move in to the season and the inevitable Fredo collapse:

· What happens when he is outbid for the stud free agent running backs on draft night?

· Do we envision an environment where he overspends on the 2021 version of Lev Bell (also known as 2021 Kansas City Chiefs running back Le’Veon Bell)?

· Is Tee Higgins even a decent keeper at this point, considering Cincinnati brought in Ja’Maar Chase at pick five?

· When Fredo overextends on two or three wide receivers like Cooper Kupp or “not a WR1” Amari Cooper, will I have to once again do regular check-ins with Mrs. Maisel on his mental health?

· Is the 2021 GMRRFFA onlyfans page simply an excuse to take a hit out on Fredo?

· Is Fredo’s stiff opposition to meme stocks an indicator he isn’t ready to spend on draft night?

And let’s be honest, the most enjoyable GMRRFFA story line is Fredo messing up year after year, hopefully in spectacular fashion. The only question is: How?

The ghosts of David Johnson and Lev Bell are looming over draft night for one owner, and I am all about it.